Learning to Love ♡

I posted a while back about our fertility struggle and our ability to conceive. I left that post wide open with many asking me to follow-up on our story and how we conceived Emilia.

Opening up about our fertility struggle was a subject I kept silent for years. I cried in silence, yelled in solitude and confided in few people. I found myself surrounded by so many of my friends who were having these beautiful babies by what seemed — so effortlessly. I would attend birthday parties and be the only one there without a kiddo. I was ecstatic for my friends but I also grew to become quite distant. It was hard for me to continue that smile when I felt like my body wasn’t doing what it was meant to do. I was sad, angry, confused and I felt like I just didn’t fit in with my closet of friends.

But, logically I knew that having a baby wouldn’t make any difference among my friendships. It was a battle within myself that I was facing. Would I be able to conceive and be a mom? Would James and I be able to experience that joy that we had longed for — for so long? Would my body be able to create a beautiful human?

Transfer Day with our First Embryo (Girl) which turned out unsuccessful.

We did multiple rounds of IVF, a handful of IUI’s and each time, we got the news that those attempts were unsuccessful. But, IVF made me feel like I was working toward a beautiful goal — being a mama. It wasn’t until my second IVF retrieval was cancelled that we learned about my fertility obstacle.

I had diminished ovarian reserve — I do. I do not produce as many eggs as the average 34 year old woman. The plus side to this devastating news is that the eggs I do have, appear to be healthy.

That news lead to many tears which then lead to anger. We switched fertility doctors which ended up being such an incredible decision and did another IVF retrieval. Do not hesitate to ask questions and seek other doctors if your gut feeling is off. This is a huge decision and the relationship needs to just feel right.

I was traveling in Chicago when I got the news that none of the eggs retrieved from our second round were normal (chromosome wise) and therefore, not viable. We were back to square one, once again and I was devastated.

Water Tower in Chicago, IL

Once again, many tears, anger, confusion and disbelief.

So, my doctor advised we take a few months off to clear my mind, body and spirit. I was hesitant because I was like the energizer bunny — let’s keep going until we get pregnant. But, in retrospect, our doctor advising a break in our fertility would end up being the best advice of our journey thus far.

We were going to take three months off and then implant our little •b o y• embryo from our first IVF retrieval.

Month two, we found out we were pregnant (naturally) — mind blown.

I was in shock, disbelief and filled with a million different emotions. How did this happen? Well, we know how it happened! BUT, you know what I mean! We tried for so long with fertility and now, we’re pregnant naturally? I believe one thing…

When I relaxed and gave-in to the idea that I WOULD be a mom; I wasn’t sure how of course— (adoption, donor eggs, IVF) but that I would be a mom and that’s all that mattered. I think a switch went off in my body and that was the switch of acceptance. I accepted that I could not control the timeline that it would happen or the method but that I could control my mind and that’s the most powerful tool of all. So, I let life happen and it did.

Stay calm, stay patient and take care of YOU (mind, body & soul). Take deep breaths and let your journey happen because it WILL.

Stay tunnel for what was next — pregnancy, which opened up a whole can of worms with my anxiety | nerves | stress. To say it was an easy journey (mentally) would be a lie. I had to fight my own demons and allow my brain to let this beautiful journey take place.

Emilia James Fee