Uno, Dos, Uno?

The topic in our house these days, do we have baby #2? Surprisingly, weeks after having Emmy, people were asking me if I was going to have a second child? What I would say is, “you know, we are just enjoying this bundle right now.” (And, that is the truth.)

What I wanted to say, “ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? I just did two years of IVF, millions of hours worth of agony worrying, thousands of tears and now my miracle is finally here. So, chill for a minute please and I will get back to you.”

But, people ask, they will always ask and I will forever be annoyed with that question. Yet, I ask myself that question, constantly! I always said that when Emmy was six months, I would decide. Then she turned a year and no decision made. Now, she’s nearing fifteen months and guess what? No fucking clue!

I was just talking to my therapist this week, saying how I wish I could land on a decision and be 100% either way. She then said something that completely resonated. She said, “that IS your decision.” And, she was right in that I don’t have to have the answer. THAT was a decision I felt comfortable swallowing. Hallelujah!

I go back and forth daily with his decision. Emmy is our miracle, super mellow + happy peanut. Will I be blessed enough to have two unicorns? Do I want to do IVF again? Do I want to try naturally? Gosh, I don’t know!

I feel so incredibly lucky to have Emmy and I’m enjoying her in this moment, every moment. I was so completely sure that I wanted her and she was our destiny. So, why can’t I have that certainty again?

Because, life isn’t certain. There are no guarantees… SURPRISE! Once I could feel comfortable sitting in the unknown (which is super hard for someone type A and OCD) I felt at peace. So, let yourself be uncomfortable and uncertain. You will find comfort in that foreign place and in your decision, either way.

Trust in yourself, your family but most important, your gut. Trust that life happens regardless of when we are standing still. So, be present and look up into the sun with gratitude. Life isn’t always beautiful but it sure is one beautiful ride.

peace + love, friends!